The Land of Sunshine

Jens and I went to the gym next door this morning to get some exercise on a rainy day. While I absolutely avoid music at the moment as it is the worst emotional trigger, I need music to exercise. So I go for something fast and innocuous. I was listening to Faith No More (Angel Dust) while I was spinning away my frustration and anger (it works temporarily…) when I came to the song “The Land of Sunshine”. I had never really paid attention to the lyrics so much – or I hadn’t put that much meaning into them. It is quite a fast paced cynical song and I almost had an inner conversation with it. The lyrics go something like this:

You have a winning way, so keep it your future, your future, your future…
(well, that’s debatable if I have a winning way but I guess I’ll keep my future anyway, I’m not giving up that easily.)

You are an angel heading for a land of sunshine and fortune is smiling upon you!
(Wow, I wish I was able to believe this)

Prepare for a series of a comfortable miracles, from fasting to feasting

And life to you is a dashing, bold adventure – So sing, and rejoice, sing, and rejoice
(Life certainly is an adventure and bold, definitely – but sing and rejoice, I don’t know…)

And look for the dream that keeps coming back. Your future, your future, your future…

Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a handshake ’cause everything is not yet lost…

Does life seem worthwhile to you? Does life seem worthwhile to you?

Yes, hmm hmm, now for the next question:

Does emotional music have quite an effect on you?
(Oh yes, quite so!)

Do you feel sometimes like age is against you?
(Another YES)

Yes, hmm hmm, that’s interesting.

But tell me, do you often sing or whistle just for fun?
(Hm, no, not any more)

I, I can help – I can help you – I can help you help yourself!
(Ok, what’s the recipe?)

Does life seem worthwhile to you? Does life seem worthwhile to you?

I just learnt, thanks to Wikipedia, that the lyrics were written during a sleep deprivation experiment and some of the lines were taken directly from fortune cookies and some of the questions are taken from a personality test offered by Scientology – now that makes me wonder what they would have to say about me?

Does life seem worthwhile to me? Yes it does. I can still see the beauty in things and I don’t think that my future is all dark. I just have to get there…

There is this constant companion grief by my side now and I know he won’t leave me. I didn’t want him in my future, but I know he will be there. I got to know him quite well over the past two years and I learnt to accept him by my side and at times he can be a companion who I even feel comfortable with. But he has a temper. At times he can be a nasty fellow. Often when I don’t expect it. And at the moment he is out of control. He dragged me into this horrible rollercoaster again where I’m not in control and there is no stop button (and let me tell you I HATE rollercoasters). It gives me a tight knot in my stomach and a feeling of free falling when I go through the twists and loops. And companion grief won’t let me off the hook so fast. I have to take the ride with him. He will downgrade from the Top Thrill Monster rollercoaster to a less wild version eventually, but he won’t let me get out for a long time. And even if at some point he does he won’t leave my side. I am not comfortable with him right now and he has a different face now than the one I’ve known so far. So I will have to get to know this changed “Mr. Grief” and see how we’ll manage to get along walking side by side. I want to show him who is boss, but that might take a long time. Will we be able to walk to a land of sunshine together some day? We shall see…

Help break the silence!